Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good