Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

At an art museum and I thought this was art

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane