Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.