Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
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Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.