Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

911 what’s your emergency?

Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me

911: How is that an emergency?

Me: It’s attached to her gun

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher