Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

I’m already scared

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1538437008153989122/pu/vid/460x460/Ja4aNb14MyvHtgtM.mp4?tag=12

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.