me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.