me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
listen closely
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.