Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.

Seems a bit forward

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.