Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.