Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
You Might Also Like
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
when dads have a rap battle
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.