me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
i smell a pulitzer
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
…u ok Nintendo?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.