me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken