me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Sticker placement is key.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.