Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

Fruity

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Don’t make me out nice you.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.