Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

Always a metermaid never a meter

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

I didn’t come here to be called names

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”