Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.