Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Thursday
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.