Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.