Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
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Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!