Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
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John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.