Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat