Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?