Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.