Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
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One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
that’s really how it is
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.