Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

sliding into dms like

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

His flabber was gasted 😂

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this