Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.