Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

We found love in a hopeless place.