Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Still my favorite headline of all time:
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I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Milk Cube
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?