Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?