Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.