Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode