Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.