Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

dam girl

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.