Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity