Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not