Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
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Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.