Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat