Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
You Might Also Like
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country