Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden

Antelope: o no

Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want

Antelope: omfg

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting