Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

this got me crying😭😭

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.