Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Aight bet

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

So we got a goldfish…

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.