Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

You know…for fall…

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again

Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.