Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.