Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Ion see the issue
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*pronounces fake like saké*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Hard not to take this personally
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.