Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

Does this dress make me look cat?

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I think this cat is broken

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW