Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
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[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?