This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
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Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Nice try, poison.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
#winning
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.