Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

The most precious boy

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.