Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Stop sending me this shit.

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

The Weeknd is back

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you