Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

I get distracted pretty eas

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat