me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
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Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
The most precious boy
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
#merica
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.