Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.