me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
When I laugh on my period
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
