Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

me when i see my girls butt