Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like