ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.