ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
be safe out there!
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.