ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor