ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral