ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
You Might Also Like
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
The struggle is real
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Mountain Goat : )
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.