Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

me during winter: will I ever love again

me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve