Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
tinder is all about the long game
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
pep talk
