Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…