Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

💀💀💀💀

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”