me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You Might Also Like
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Check your privilege
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Wise advice
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.