Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

it must be school picture day

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.