Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being