Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?