*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Always a housemaid, never a house.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
For the orator and chef in all of us
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”