I wonder if there’s a giant cucumber out there thinking about me too.
Me: you like that? *takes out trash*
Me *starts vacuuming the living room*
Wife: oh my god, don’t stop
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If I got a dollar every time a girl said I wasn’t her type, I’d be her type.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!